Allah has taken by third child....

My last entry was back in February 2011. I just can't find the time to update anymore and FB has taken charge recently. Those who are in my FB list will know my day-to-day update.
I just dont know how to start writing this entry without a single tear in my eyes. Let's begin with this...

I was confirmed pregnant in July 2011. Due to my ectopic case, i hurried to a nearby clinic and scan. Glad the baby's in the right place. Syukur. Alhamdulillah. Praised to Allah.

I continued consuming the normal vitamins, taking very good care of myself. Since the baby's in the right place, i felt happier and not so scared (ectopic case occurance is 40%).

BUT there was no bad morning sickness. NOT at all.

And i thought all was normal. yeah, each pregnancy is different.

28th July 2011 - I went to another clinic just to start my antenatal checkup. By then, I was about 7weeks. The baby's heartbeat was good. there was nothing to worry about. I felt so motherly then. Cikcha was also excited. She's been clinging to us and been biting her toes (so, they say this is what brothers and sisters do when they are expecting younger sister/brother).

Ramadhan came and i am as healthy as any other women. I fast without fail. but... 8th Aug 2011 came as a nightmare.

i had blood stain. brownish color. but it was not wet. dry-like. that night, i couldnt sleep. Naza assured me that this is no more than a urine infection.

9thAug2011: i went to the clinic and had an ultrasound - the doc was so concern: as the baby was not seen in the amniotic sac. I tried to hold back my frustration, my anger, my sadness. Doc then diagnosed me as missed abortion. :'( and later gave me a letter to be given to a hospital for a D&C. "It's okay, kamu ni subur. Cuma takde rezeki lagi. Takpelah, baby ni bagi syafaat kat kamu. Ada rezeki lain ni,"

Upon coming out from the clinic, i cried, and cried, and cried so heavily. Naza couldnt console me anymore. He was as frustrated as I am.

I needed a second opinion and went to my antenatal clinic. the same result but this time, the doc gave me a week to monitor and rest at home with some medication to keep my womb strong. "I bagi you time okay? But, just nak you tau, this is not your fault. Baby mmg tak grow. And it's coming towards failure sebenarnya. Tapi takpe, kita doa hope ada miracle, ok?" Again, crying was my best medication afterall.

That night, blood stain continues. no pain, though. I remembered I still fasting. But that night was not the same.I couldnt sleep at all thinking how come my baby is taken again.

10th Aug 2011 - i opted to visit my gynae when i was pregnant with Cikcha and the ectopic case. Dr Asmah was pleased to see me as her last words during our last session was: "so, kita jumpa lagi ye once you dh pregnant lagi". But, I know better. I didnt mention a thing and she examined me. for almost 20 minutes... there was no sign of baby's heartbeat. Dr Asmah looked at me - the look that you know she felt so pity at my condition. And yes, the final say was: "It's okay, you all berdua ni subur. Ada satu tube pun you still conceive easily. Cuma nasib je tak baik sikit. Takpelah, now you have 2 babies waiting for you kat syurga. This is not for fault. Baby tu mmg tak develop secara genetik. And even if it gets fullterm, baby maybe tak sihat, or tak sempurna. Allah knows best. You rest after this and if you nak conceive, try again after 3 months okay? Insya Allah, ada lagi nanti.." and i cried again.

She knew our financial status and opted for us to go to a hospital instead.

Off we went to HUKM. It was raining heavily. So does my mind, my heart and my feeling.

We went straight to the pregnancy emergency unit. And i was warded the same day at around 2.45pm.

6.00 pm - they inserted a pill to dilate me. I can feel the contractions, but not as strong as the normal delivery. I was too scared on the D&C procedure and i cried again and again. Luckily, there was Naza who attended to me all day long....

9.00 pm - i was getting ready for the procedure. they brought me to the OT and was introduced to the surgeon, a male, chinese doc - quite young. "ni doc on call puan.takpelah, niat utk berubat ye," no, not because he's a chinese, but merely because I am quite ashamed for a male doc to handle by case. But, yeah, Insya Allah, He knows best.

9.30pm - it was all done. no big issue. and i finally get back to reality - the baby has been taken with Him.

I am now resting at home. confinement, still, as this was part of pregnancy too.

Psychologically, i am torn-out.
Emotionally, i am not sure.
Physically, i am quite strong.

"You dah lalui macam2, normal, vacuum, ectopic, miscarriage... you mmg kuat sebenarnya. That's why Allah pilih you dari orang lain tu," Naza's remarks made me more alive.

No matter how much i cried, or no matter how terrible i might mourn this time, I still can smile. For my babies have been taken in heaven, waiting for me. What I should do now is to ensure I'm joining them too by loving Allah, the Most Merciful. and, to always appreciate all the things I have now. Some may say, "Ni balasan kot, ko ada buat silap ke sebelum ni?" Even if i do, do i need to tell you?

Thanks for all your wishes and support. You know who you are. To those who have just known this, please don't be upset. I didnt mean to leave you unaware. It's just that, I am not ready to tell.

My next action: rest,eat healthily, Raya, smile, enjoy life and conceive again later... :)