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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Because....

I wish I am pregnant.

Seriously, I do.

But upon realizing it, I think Allah has yet to grant it because...

Cikcha still want to be pampered
I am still young and He wants me to know that I am fertile
He wants me to remember Him first before He can give that gift
Allah does not want me to be so eager to have another baby and to leave the one I have
He does not want me to be proud of myself for being a healthy pregnant lady than that someone
And He does not want me to feel left out if the attention is given more to that someone

So, I have said it. No, this is not about being selfish or sorry. This is just to cleanse myself before the new beginning.

Cant wait to start it.

Thanks Allah, for remembering me.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Insya Allah....

Vouchers have been coming to my house to pay for a visit. These are the moments that I cherished most. They really cheer me up, in a way, some may not understand.

The title "vouchers" was given back in 2007, just before I got married.

"Kita gi Perhentian la.." "Taknakla. I nak g Langkawi." "Eh, Langkawi tak best la."

So, end up, the supposedly class trip was then just a trip for the six of of us: Uns, Elle, Ik, Che T, Nurul and myself. Secara senyap2 sebab byk sgt itu-ini, thus, we thought we better off first then we can share the experience.

Rupanya, ada yang menghidu our secret plan - which was done because we cannot stand the hype for a trip and waiting for a conclusion from almost 30 of us in class was taking too long. And yes, we did mention that we got vouchers for the stay, thus the whole class cannot be possibly coming together.

"Oh, jadi korang ni group Vouchers la ye..." Erk... yeah. bolehlah. terima dengan redha je la.

Ever since the trip to Redang, we had been so close, as close as any other siblings (minimal fights though), sharing good times and bad times. Sharing experiences, and almost everyday, we catch up via social networking mediums.

So, recently, each of us got a compilation CD - album ketuhanan. Thanks Ik. I really enjoy the songs, though you said most of them are Indons. But hell, the message of these songs really kicked in me.

It makes me realise that life is full of ups and downs. be thankful at all times.

And today, my dearie friend at the office, Suhana, gave me an email on the translation of surah Al-Insyirah:

1) Bukankah Kami telah melapangkan bagimu: dadamu (Wahai Muhammad serta mengisinya dengan iman dan hidayah petunjuk)?
2) dan Kami telah meringankan daripadamu: bebanmu (menyiarkan Islam) -
3) Yang memberati tanggunganmu, (dengan memberikan berbagai kemudahan dalam melaksanakannya)?
4) dan Kami telah meninggikan bagimu: sebutan namamu (dengan mengurniakan pangkat Nabi dan berbagai kemuliaan)?
5) oleh itu, maka (tetapkanlah kepercayaanmu) bahawa sesungguhnya tiap-tiap kesukaran disertai kemudahan,
6) (sekali lagi ditegaskan): bahawa sesungguhnya tiap-tiap kesukaran disertai kemudahan.
7) kemudian apabila engkau telah selesai (daripada sesuatu amal soleh), maka bersungguh-sungguhlah engkau berusaha (mengerjakan amal soleh yang lain),
8) dan kepada Tuhanmu sahaja hendaklah engkau memohon (apa yang engkau gemar dan ingini).


Surah ini diturunkan because at that moment, Muslims were being booed by the Musyriks because they are poor.

Let us look at the conclusion of the Surah below:
1) Allah itu Maha Adil, tidak sesekali Dia meletakkan sesuatu ujian di luar kemampuan makhluknya, seperti mana dinyatakan dalam Surah Al-Baqarah (2:286). Ayat ini disokong dengan ayat keenam Surah Al-Insyirah di mana kesusahan akan disertai kemudahan.
2) Allah mengajar makhluknya bersabar dan yang paling penting percaya dengan janji Allah. Cuba sahabat bayangkan, andai kata kita tidak yakin bahawa kemudahan pasti datang selepas kesusahan pasti kita akan cepat melenting dan bertindak di luar batasan apabila kita diuji dengan ujian yang berat. Maka, dengan adanya janji Allah ini kita mampu membentuk diri menjadi insan yang redha dengan ujian yang menimpa.

3) 
Ayat ketujuh surah ini mengajar kita untuk bersifat sistematik. Subhanallah, betapa Islam itu agama yang memberi panduan untuk penganutnya bukan hanya perintah untuk melakukan ibadah semata-mata. Ini menunjukkan betapa syumulnya (sempurna) Islam. Ilmu pengurusan yang boleh dipelajari dari ayat ini ialah; kita perlu menyenaraikan kerja kita dan melaksanakannya mengikut keutamaan.Apabila selesai satu kerja, barulah kita melakukan kerja yang seterusnya.

4) 
Allah menyeru kita bersungguh dalam melakukan amal soleh. Ya, bersungguh-sungguh. Inilah masanya untuk kita bermuhasabah. Saya mengingatkan diri sendiri juga untuk turut mengubah diri supaya lebih bersungguh-sungguh dalam pekerjaan. Kadangkala memang kita sudah siapkan sesuatu kerja, tapi adakah cukup usaha yang kita curahkan? Betulkah cara kita menyiapkan kerja? Adakah unsur leka dan lalai di dalamnya? Sama-samalah kita renungkan...

5) 
Akhir sekali ayat ini menyeru agar kita memohon kepada Allah untuk mendapatkan perkara yang kita inginkan. Satu perkara yang saya terfikir; kaitan antara ayat 7 dan 8. Kaitan antara usaha yang bersungguh-sungguh dengan amalan berdoa. Ini menunjukkan bahawa tiada jalan pintas untuk kejayaan, ia perlu dirintis dengan usaha yang mantap dan akhirnya barulah kita berdoa dan bertawakal kepada-Nya.
Was it self-explained? Insya Allah, I will try my best to always remind myself - when there is any difficulty, there will absolutely be a winning point in the future. Trust, doa, tawakal and usaha.

Dedicated to my lovely Vouchers....

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Dah nak Raya ni...

Raya datang lagi!

Walaupun we ols tak posa penuh lagi kali ni, but kehangatan Raya tu dah terasa tau.

1. Ada umah sewa sendiri untuk dihiaskan... seronok gile...
2. Cikcha dah pandai cakap selamat hari raya... So, phm2 je laa... heheheh
3. Baju raya byk nak mampos... masa bila nak pkai ntah... ni gara2 baju pi antar awal2 tapi tak amik smpai skrg... merasa byr sekaligus!
4. Kuih raya yang diorder dah mula smpai!
5. Baju raya Cikcha nampak sungguh cute.

Sekian.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am thankful...

Yes, I have been thinking too much lately. Beginning with a very negative thoughts, and now, I am feeling much better and positive.

No wonder la I was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy in Dec 2010...

Cause I have to help my brother for his wedding...
Cause I have give more attention to Cikcha...


And, no wonder la I was miscarriage in Aug 2011...

Cause I am going for a company trip this Oct 2011 and it is a journey on a bus..
Cause I am going for a treasure hunt game in May 2012...
Cause I am going for another honeymoon in Dec 2011...

To end with, I should be thankful for these 2 occasions in my life (ectopic and miscarriage) happened to me for there are:

still many husbands and wives who have yet to get a child - cannot imagine if these happen to them (the wife) 

mothers out there who have been wanting to have a child but Allah has yet to give them the pleasure

mothers who have been given the opportunity to take care of her child, temporarily...

and mothers who have a very sick child...

For, I may not be able to undergo such pain in my life...

Thank you Allah... Thank you for the reminder.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

So, what is really the confinement strategy for a miscarriage lady like me?

Salam all...

So you know what happened to me in my earlier entry right? The moment i said i have accepted the faith and redha dengan segalanya, beban mula terasa. It's easier said than done, actually. But of course, I have to.


Having to berpantang kali kedua and WITHOUT a baby is definitely stressful moment. I thought the ectopic experience will be the last, yet it isn't. So, what should I do for pantang this time?

I read through numerous websites in search for help and assistance. Many experts mentioned about: Just take care of yourself and drink plenty of water. No jamu and what nots for it will make you difficult to conceive again.

Tho so, there are also opinions to still berpantang because we still 'deliver', in a different way.

MIL said no makanan sejuk such as sayur-sayur sejuk. Icy drinks are a no-no. Drink lots of air suam. Kurma, kismis, sawi and milk really help (but hot milk, not HL ya).

You will be staying at home doing nothing for real. Angkat anak, lagi tak boleh. So, just sit back and play games on your laptop. hahah.

Wear your socks - ALWAYS. Mandi air suam, thats the most important thing. During my ectopic, i had once took a shower without the water heater. BENTAN, ok!! Menggigil macam nak mati dah masa tu. Seriously.

Oh,but i read somewhere that we can eat kacip fatimah. That's not mentioned by my MIL tho (she was a bidan kampung).

The best is to mandi with herbs... Masa pantang beranakkan Cikcha, ada mandi ni. MIL bekalkan daun mambu, dan pisang, byk lagi... best!! Badan rasa lega.

MIL said no need to tungku. But I guess, after the 22 days confinement period (UTK KEGUGURAN SHJ YE), I might  as well go for a full body recovery... yeaahhh!

On sex part, it would be better to hinder it the longest possible.Tapi jikalau sang suami teringin sesangat, just make sure darah nifas dah kering la... (er..for me, i might be going through a trauma la jap kan... isk... rahimku baru je kene korek... serammmm!)
 
Among the fish yg mmg boleh dimakan adalah ikan haruan. Funnily, i enjoy eating the fresh fish rather than the pati ikan. but both works well for me.

Lazat kan? Nak-nak dapat lendir dia... yummy!!

sawi is the best sayur, tapi ulam is better eat more daun pegaga, pucuk mengkudu, ulam raja, daun lemuni hitam, daun kaduk, daun sekentut, daun cemumar, daun pudina, daun kari, daun bebuas dan daun ruku.

Yang mmg pantang adalah sayur kangkung, timun, sayur keladi, pucuk ubi, pucuk paku, bayam, sayur atau daun keti (bunga putih), kacang panjang, petola, labu, rebung, kacang botor, jeruk maman, petai, jering serta terung. eii.... bentan sok, menjawab lee....


Ok, on fruits, air tebu, cincau, kelapa muda serta buah-buahan seperti nenas, jambu, belimbing, durian belanda, mangga, betik, ciku, langsat, tembikai cina, nangka, cempedak, pisang masak hijau, pisang nangka, pisang embun, pisang udang, ubi kayu, ubi keladi, sengkuang, manggis, macang, kuinin, dan binjai.

Pendek kata, buah macam kurang la dimakan (sbb tu sembelit).
Berpantang is something that we have to follow how did our mothers do it their time. Sbb ada yang boleh, ada yang "redah jeee". Like me, am so lucky because MAMA and MIL are the ones yang berpantang secara serious. Yeah, they bebel if you dont follow, but the benefit, sampai ke tua tau.

I cant wait to finally finish the pantang period. Not because I can eat anything that i want, but to gain my confidence and to be ready for the next challenge in life. It might not be easy, but, hell, I have been through a lot!


Cheers!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Allah has taken by third child....

My last entry was back in February 2011. I just can't find the time to update anymore and FB has taken charge recently. Those who are in my FB list will know my day-to-day update.
I just dont know how to start writing this entry without a single tear in my eyes. Let's begin with this...

I was confirmed pregnant in July 2011. Due to my ectopic case, i hurried to a nearby clinic and scan. Glad the baby's in the right place. Syukur. Alhamdulillah. Praised to Allah.

I continued consuming the normal vitamins, taking very good care of myself. Since the baby's in the right place, i felt happier and not so scared (ectopic case occurance is 40%).

BUT there was no bad morning sickness. NOT at all.

And i thought all was normal. yeah, each pregnancy is different.

28th July 2011 - I went to another clinic just to start my antenatal checkup. By then, I was about 7weeks. The baby's heartbeat was good. there was nothing to worry about. I felt so motherly then. Cikcha was also excited. She's been clinging to us and been biting her toes (so, they say this is what brothers and sisters do when they are expecting younger sister/brother).

Ramadhan came and i am as healthy as any other women. I fast without fail. but... 8th Aug 2011 came as a nightmare.

i had blood stain. brownish color. but it was not wet. dry-like. that night, i couldnt sleep. Naza assured me that this is no more than a urine infection.

9thAug2011: i went to the clinic and had an ultrasound - the doc was so concern: as the baby was not seen in the amniotic sac. I tried to hold back my frustration, my anger, my sadness. Doc then diagnosed me as missed abortion. :'( and later gave me a letter to be given to a hospital for a D&C. "It's okay, kamu ni subur. Cuma takde rezeki lagi. Takpelah, baby ni bagi syafaat kat kamu. Ada rezeki lain ni,"

Upon coming out from the clinic, i cried, and cried, and cried so heavily. Naza couldnt console me anymore. He was as frustrated as I am.

I needed a second opinion and went to my antenatal clinic. the same result but this time, the doc gave me a week to monitor and rest at home with some medication to keep my womb strong. "I bagi you time okay? But, just nak you tau, this is not your fault. Baby mmg tak grow. And it's coming towards failure sebenarnya. Tapi takpe, kita doa hope ada miracle, ok?" Again, crying was my best medication afterall.

That night, blood stain continues. no pain, though. I remembered I still fasting. But that night was not the same.I couldnt sleep at all thinking how come my baby is taken again.

10th Aug 2011 - i opted to visit my gynae when i was pregnant with Cikcha and the ectopic case. Dr Asmah was pleased to see me as her last words during our last session was: "so, kita jumpa lagi ye once you dh pregnant lagi". But, I know better. I didnt mention a thing and she examined me. for almost 20 minutes... there was no sign of baby's heartbeat. Dr Asmah looked at me - the look that you know she felt so pity at my condition. And yes, the final say was: "It's okay, you all berdua ni subur. Ada satu tube pun you still conceive easily. Cuma nasib je tak baik sikit. Takpelah, now you have 2 babies waiting for you kat syurga. This is not for fault. Baby tu mmg tak develop secara genetik. And even if it gets fullterm, baby maybe tak sihat, or tak sempurna. Allah knows best. You rest after this and if you nak conceive, try again after 3 months okay? Insya Allah, ada lagi nanti.." and i cried again.

She knew our financial status and opted for us to go to a hospital instead.

Off we went to HUKM. It was raining heavily. So does my mind, my heart and my feeling.

We went straight to the pregnancy emergency unit. And i was warded the same day at around 2.45pm.

6.00 pm - they inserted a pill to dilate me. I can feel the contractions, but not as strong as the normal delivery. I was too scared on the D&C procedure and i cried again and again. Luckily, there was Naza who attended to me all day long....

9.00 pm - i was getting ready for the procedure. they brought me to the OT and was introduced to the surgeon, a male, chinese doc - quite young. "ni doc on call puan.takpelah, niat utk berubat ye," no, not because he's a chinese, but merely because I am quite ashamed for a male doc to handle by case. But, yeah, Insya Allah, He knows best.

9.30pm - it was all done. no big issue. and i finally get back to reality - the baby has been taken with Him.

I am now resting at home. confinement, still, as this was part of pregnancy too.

Psychologically, i am torn-out.
Emotionally, i am not sure.
Physically, i am quite strong.

"You dah lalui macam2, normal, vacuum, ectopic, miscarriage... you mmg kuat sebenarnya. That's why Allah pilih you dari orang lain tu," Naza's remarks made me more alive.

No matter how much i cried, or no matter how terrible i might mourn this time, I still can smile. For my babies have been taken in heaven, waiting for me. What I should do now is to ensure I'm joining them too by loving Allah, the Most Merciful. and, to always appreciate all the things I have now. Some may say, "Ni balasan kot, ko ada buat silap ke sebelum ni?" Even if i do, do i need to tell you?

Thanks for all your wishes and support. You know who you are. To those who have just known this, please don't be upset. I didnt mean to leave you unaware. It's just that, I am not ready to tell.

My next action: rest,eat healthily, Raya, smile, enjoy life and conceive again later... :)